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We
hope you find some of the things interesting
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BUMPER
STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE
YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give a Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken -- Watch for Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full -- Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have the Body of a God -- Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians -- So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As a Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, but Miles from the
Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse to Have A Battle of Wits with an Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out of the Gene Pool -- Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down on a Jeep) If You Can Read This,
Please Flip Me Back Over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed for 35 mph Are Also
Timed for 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No
Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good for You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen an Uzi Fired from a Car
Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grow Your Own Dope -- Plant a Man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE
GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :
POLITICIANS
& DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED --
AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Great
Kids Answers
A first grade teacher collected well-known
proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a
proverb and asked hem to come up with the remainder
of
the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually
done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders....6-years-old, because the last one is
classic!
1. Better to be safe than......................punch
a
5th grader.
2. Strike while the............................bug is
close.
3. It's always darkest
before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power
of............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that....................looks
dirty.
7. No news
is..................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink
in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.............................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
13. An idle mind is.............................the
best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke
there's.................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets
all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................not
much.
17. Two's company, three's......................the
Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you
put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry
and.........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie
Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and
not.............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...............get
new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what
you...........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get
out of the way.
And the favourite:
25. Better late
than............................pregnant
1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE
WALL?
Dam
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE
TOO LONG?
Polaroid's.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T
WORK?
A stick.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN
QUICKSAND?
Quattro Sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN
WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND
TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF
AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.
12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE
TITANIC?
Sanka
17. WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their
hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER
AND A BAD SKY DIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn.
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG,
CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE
DIVORCE THE SAME?
Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Many years
ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was
ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies
Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on
prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than
the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US
any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle. If the horse has all
four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration ofI
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock andCharles
Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of
what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the
most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would
you have to go until you would find the letter
"A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in
common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any
other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes
the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight,
sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and
Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow
And
just when you thought you knew everything....
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The
spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane
crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty
years of age or
older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's
gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a
mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright
brother's first
flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating 1 olive from each
salad served in first class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the
morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are
called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung
cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually
than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was
talked out of it by her doctor.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just
didn't like being seen
wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone
squishing her hands in
jelly.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are
already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not
downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president
whose name contains
all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And..................if you want more, scroll
down. Or hit "back" on your
browser.........................
Thinking Positively. This
is a discussion that can change your life.
Please read it carefully, because it takes a while to
sink in.
You have heard hundreds of "Positive
Thinking" and motivational schemes that promise
you a miracle if you only "believe" the
person who is trying to sell you something. We
guarantee that this discussion won't cost you a cent,
or a lira, or a peso. But it can change your
life.
Are you ready to begin? Please seat yourself at
a table. Place a pencil on the table in front
of you. Then, concentrate intently on the
pencil. Begin saying to yourself, "The
pencil will rise from the table."
"The pencil will rise from the
table." "The pencil will rise from
the table." "The pencil will
rise from the table.
Do you really believe that the pencil will
rise? From this day forward, I guarantee that
you will be a true believer. Say it one more
time." The pencil will rise from the
table."
Now, reach over and pick up the pencil and lift it
from the table. You have learned the
ultimate lesson in thinking positively. It is
believing in your self, and not to hope for miracles
from a person who claims supernatural ability, or a
rabbit's foot, or ESP. The only way to be
absolutely sure something will be done is to do it
yourself. You alone caused the pencil to
levitate. You now will understand that you
alone can bring reality to dreams, if they are within
your
grasp.
Instead of hoping for an unlikely thing and saying, I
am thinking positively so it will happen, do a
positive thing
yourself.
Make it happen. Positive thinking begins and
ends with you. Believe it can happen, and then
if it is in your grasp, you can do it. Reach
out and pick up the pencil, and then change your
life. Gambling, dreaming the impossible dream,
depending on others to do your work, all are unlikely
ways to succeed. Instead, learn this simple
lesson.
|
Why
is it? by
Yogi
Why does the sun lighten our hair,
but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic
Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move
your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the
lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to
click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for
an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second
hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of
your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes? Why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
when you can't drink and
drive?
He who laughs
last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was
unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of
it.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who
don't
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular?
The things that come to those who wait, may be the
things left by those who
got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a
few.
Light travels faster than sound. This
is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
There will always be death and taxes; however,
death doesn't get worse every
year.
In just 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating--always use condiments.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old...you grow old because you
stopped
laughing.......
If
you enjoy strolling and scrolling through, these,
please email us. Use the back button on your
browser and find the email address. Thanks!
Examples
of Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to
present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are
present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer
line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow
to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a
tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend
Remember-use
the "back" button when you're finished.
nexxxxxxxxxxt!
DEFINITELY &
DECIDEDLY DUBIOUS DEFINITIONS Arbitrator
\ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\:
what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks\:
two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\:
removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\:
what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\:
what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\:
describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\:
what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\:
a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\:
bringing litigation against a government official
1970
vs. 2000
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for Hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool.
2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
your kids
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints
1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weedkiller
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends
What a difference 30 years can make!
A
Marvelous story, and, it is true!
His name was
Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day,
while
trying to make a living for his family, he heard a
cry for help coming
from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to
the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a
terrified boy, screaming
and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming
saved the lad from what
could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the
Scotsman's sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman
stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had
saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman.
"You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I
did," the Scottish farmer
replied, waving off the offer. At that moment,
the farmer's own son came to the
door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied
proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with
the level of education my
son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his
father, he'll no doubt grow
to be a man we both will be proud of."
And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, he
graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in
London, and went on
to become known throughout the world as the noted
Sir Alexander Fleming,
the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was
saved from the bog was
stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this
time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Remember: Use
the "back button" on your browser to
return from this page.
Ever wonder
why....
Ever
wonder why we park on our driveways yet we drive
on our parkways? Never understood that!
Gary
New
Name
Sometimes when you
have a stressful day or week, you need some
silliness to break up the day.
Here is your dose...
Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The
following is an
excerpt from a children's book, "Captain
Underpants and the Perilous Plot of
Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey.
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new
names.....
Use the third letter
of your first name
to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to
determine the first half of your NEW last
name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k= potty
l = liver
m= banana
n= rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to
determine the second half of your NEW last
name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g= pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n= chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x=humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is
Goober Chickenshorts.
Clinton's new name is Poopsie Liverchunks. Al Gore
is Lumpy Burgertush.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember-use
the "back" button when you're finished.
Remember-use
the "back" button when you're finished.
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your
heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.
A Genuine
True Story! (Well, maybe not)
After Quasimodo's death, the
bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new
bell ringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the
screening
process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man
approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no
arms!"
"No matter," said the man.
"Observe!" And he began striking the
bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on
the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he
had finally found
a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing
forward to strike
a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong
out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The
stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached
the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them
asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly
replied,
>
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> ( scroll down )
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>
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"but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..
The following day, despite the sadness that
weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate
death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer
of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your
Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his
death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his
life by allowing
me to replace him in this duty.".
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and,
as the
armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to
strike the
first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest,
twirled around, and
died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at
this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the
first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the
distraught bishop, but..."
>
>
>
>
> ( . . . Wait
for it . . .. )
>
>
>
>
> ( .. . . It's
worth it . . ..)
>
>
>
>
>
He's a dead ringer for his brother.
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Brooklyn Definitions
We’ve all heard the English School Teacher’s
Saying, "Defeat went over Defense before
Detail."
But, what about some of the other words right out
of the Brooklyn, New York, Dictionary:
Debate- What you catch fish with
Debug- What you hit
with a flyswatter
Debacle- It’s on your belt
Debrief- Another word for undershorts
Decide- connects de front and de back
Décor- the middle of an apple
Deduce- A trey beats it in cards
Deface- It’s on de front of your head
Define- What you pay for speeding
Defense- Goes around a field
Defender- Covers your tires
Deform- What you fill out in ink
Degrade- Where you are in school – 1st
or 2nd, etc.
Deice- Slippery stuff on streets
Delight- What you turn on at night
Deliver- Under your stomach
Deluge- New race in Olympics
Demote- Water around a palace
Denote- Written on a little piece of paper
Denude- De one without any clothes on
Depart- A piece of de whole.
Deplete- A fold on clothing
Depart- Where you comb your hair de other way
Depress- What you print with
Deserve- When one tennis player hits to another
Design- Something that is on de front of a store
Devote- What people were arguing about
Detest- What you take in school
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